Hey there, first things first you are so so loved, never ever forget that you have a father who loves you so much who without any human limitations and will never ever let you go.
I know that life is hard right now, I know you don’t really have any friends, home is full of arguments and you don’t understand how God can ever let you go through you what you have already in your short life.
But knowing this I have a few things to tell you.
You will start really liking a boy soon, you will like him more than you ever have liked anyone. But hold on, I know the feelings get so overwhelming, you feel things so much more strongly than a lot of other people, no one around you will understand that right now, but try and remember that he isn’t your entire world. But tell him. It doesn’t necessarily matter how he feels but you will need the closure, trust me.
Be honest with your therapist, when she asks you about the suicidal thoughts be honest about your attempts and thoughts. It may seem like it would be better to hide and avoid dealing with the truth that you really aren’t, but take it from me, just because you ignore it, it doesn’t mean it will go away. It will take you moving to uni and really doing some heart work to really understand this.
The emotional manipulation of any sort isn’t okay. It’s not ok for people to do it to you and it’s not ok to do it to someone else. Again, it may seem harmless but it does way more damage then you could ever realize.
Be kind to everyone, no matter if they aren’t kind to you. Because it matters way more about how you respond to a situation that how they respond to you. I know it’s lonely, I know you struggle to make and maintain friends, and although it seems like you have no one right now, it isn’t true.
This year (year 9 to be exact) you’ll meet Beth. You won’t know it at the time, but you will come to love her and her family very very much. You will cry, laugh and make a billion mistakes together but she will start pointing you to God. Trust her, be honest, she is a good egg.
Within the next few years you will become very good friends with others in your year, and you will love them very much. But remember that you will make mistakes as will they, make room for that.
I know school is hard right now, and you are being told that you aren’t very smart, but regardless you will go to uni.
Depression will pick up (although not diagnosed for a couple more years, its a thing), and it’ll feel hopeless (and to be honest sometimes it still does). At the same time, friendships will come and go, but you will have your first big interaction with the idea of having a relationship with God soon (although you won’t be saved for a number of years).
People in your year will try and get you to open up to them. Trust them, talk to them. I know its scary letting people in, but it’s so so important.
You will go to uni, where you will meet Jesus, and some of the most incredible people in the world. You will have to come face to face with many struggles, but the freedom that you long for, will happen in Christ. It may seem like a cop out right now, but trust me when I say it isn’t.
Your questions about God will continue throughout uni and life, but ask them to him. You can trust him, read the bible for yourself and ask God to reveal himself to you, trust me you won’t regret it.
Before I Understood 