On Monday, I was on a bus on the way to a connect social (connect is my churches bible study), and I was angry at God. I was angry at him because my life doesn’t look like I want it to. I have struggles I wish I did’t have, that I want to get rid of. But more than that, I want to disregard what the bible says about it. Because I know God isn’t telling me what I want to hear. And that is hard.
I want MY will for MY life, instead of HIS will. Because he is asking me to give something up and that is so against what my heart wants to do. I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin because I don’t want my experiences to be MINE. I don’t want my story to be my story, why? Partly because of shame. I’m scared at what people would think if they knew. I’m scared that they would leave me. And my identity that I know is secure in God, feels trapping. Because, do I want the identity if it is going to cost me so much?
Is Jesus really worth it. Is this pain, this discomfort worth it? Is it worth all the tears, all the lonely times, all of the scary thoughts? Because when your angry at the person you know is there all the time, what do you do? Especially when you know he is right.
I am never ever going to understand why my story is what it is, and if you really knew everything about me, maybe you would leave. Maybe it would be too much (which would be a fair response). And that scares me, but what scares me more is being left alone with Jesus.
The one who is perfect, who redeems everything, but the one who asks more of me than I think I can give. The one who doesn’t want 80% but wants 100% of me. Who knows it all. It feels like a battle of my wills, do I give up the battle, give it to him and know that this life may bring about more suffering than I want, but will eventually bring life? Or will I do what I want to do, even though it won’t end well?
This week I tried to do it without him and although being with him scares me, being without him is just unbearable. Although I have tried this week to live without him, it hasn’t worked. I can’t. I physically cannot do it without Jesus. So where does that leave me?
What trumps? My love for Jesus (or way more important his love for me) or my love for earthly things? That may satisfy me for a moment, but won’t bring about ultimate satisfaction.
I know that deep down, my relationship with God is too incredible to give up, even if that means that my fleshly desire won’t be satisfied.
Why am I sharing this with you? Well for 2 reasons,
1st, these struggles are ones that most christians face, but people have this perception that Christians have it all together, that we never struggle, that we never feel the consequences of this world. Jesus is better but that doesn’t mean I won’t cry about my circumstances (because I do and will). The 2nd reason is that we never go through problems (unless very niche but generally we don’t) that at least one other person won’t understand, won’t resonate with. And that one person needs to know they aren’t alone.
I know lots of christians who think their story is boring (which I have very strong views about – no ones testimony and no ones story is boring), but I have the opposite problem. I worry that mine is too much. That people won’t want to be my friend if they knew. And sometimes that happens, but for the one person that this may help, I want to share it.
Being a christian is hard, it means giving up things we don’t want to give up. And that may result in crying and overwhelming pain. But in the end, Jesus is worth it. He is worth all the pain, he is worth giving things up for, because he gave himself up for us, he went from a perfect relationship with the father and the spirit, to come to earth and be a man. And then die on a cross for the payment of my sin.
Knowing this means, I can give up what he is asking me to. He is worth it, he is better.