A letter to my father: Things I never said

Hi Dad. I love you, we always said it after every call, but I’m gonna change things up and say it at the beginning. There is so much I want to tell you, so much has happened, that I can’t tell you. I could never explain how much I wish for just one more conversation. Just one more hug. You were far from perfect, but so am I. I held so much pain and without realising made you pay for it. 

But you also didn’t know what to do with all of your emotions. I know that. You were also quiet with your thoughts, and emotions. I always had to drag information out of you, sometimes it was like pulling teeth, but once you said it, it was always so important. 

Before you went, I held grudges, I struggled with unforgiveness. But now it doesn’t matter. I spent so much time trying to make our relationship something that it wasn’t. But now all these feelings are irrelevant. I wasted time. 

I sometimes still think that you are still here. I have thoughts that I haven’t spoken to you in a while, and I should ring. I have nearly placed that call more times than I care to admit. I never did though. You know I am also like you, I find being completely honest hard. Because it is hard. 

But I’m going to give it a shot. 

You did things over the course of my life that hurt me really bad, but you also did things I’ll be forever grateful for. You taught me how to fight for what I believe in, you taught me to listen more than I speak, you taught me to treat others like they are going through hell because they often are. You gave me life. 

Every wound I gained in my short 22 years so far (I know I’ll have more, I know you’ll think it’s nothing, ‘wait until you reach 50 Abbie’) is purposeful. But I know you had your own. You had more than I will ever know. The pain you were in, was tremendous. But you kept going. You taught me resilience. You taught me that it’s okay to cry. Even though you rarely did in front of others. 

We are different you and me. In a lot of ways. But I’m still your daughter. I’m still half of you. And that means more than you will ever realise. 

I really want to give you a hug. All of the songs about grief, don’t give it justice. It doesn’t explain the immense pain, that never goes away. It doesn’t explain how much I miss you and I can never ring you, I can never speak to you, even if it was just 10 minute conversation. 

All the times I said I couldn’t speak to you. All the times, I didn’t answer your call. Now I wish I did. Because even though sometimes it was difficult, there was a beauty that I didn’t appreciate. There was honesty, there was love. There was you, in the centre of it all. 

Dad I love you. More than you ever know. And I know you love me. It still doesn’t feel real that you are gone. I don’t know that it ever will. But you will always be my dad. I know you are not far. Your love and memory I will always carry. I will never let it go. I will never let you go. 

Author: beforeiunderstood

I am 22, born and bread in the UK, I am a Christian trying to live my life for the glory of God. Battling through mental illness and life in general. With the goal of trying to make other's feel less alone.

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