Hi, the world feels like it is getting darker, more crowed, brighter and louder all at once, every day. You want everything to be dialed down a couple of notches. You want to be able to enjoy things, people, and life. But everything is a chore. Everything makes the world around you harder and harder. And you want to get out of the cycle but as all these things get bigger and louder, you want to stay in bed more and more. Showering just isn’t as important anymore. It’s just not what it once was, or maybe it never was. You’ve lost your appetite to eat, and all you want to do is to crawl up in your bed and let the pain lift.
You are asked to remembering what you were like before. you may have a before, you may not. I didn’t. I was a psychologist’s worst nightmare (I know that because I take a clinical psychology class). But in the darkness, is the paralyzing pain, in the utter isolation, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. A gentle light, not a blinding light, a place where you can truly rest, where you can truly be at peace.
Peace, it seems such a far off concept, a concept that you wish you had a stronger grip on. Because if it did maybe you would feel better. Maybe your thoughts wouldn’t be getting increasingly darker, increasingly concerning to the outside world. But you can’t bring your self to care. I mean deep down you do, deep down you feel so tumultuous, all you want is this peace but you can’t reach it.
It’s like a carrot that is dangled infant of a starving child, and every time they get close, it just moves further and further out of reach. But what if a told you that you can reach it. And not a false sense of peace that comes from when you give in to your depression. But a true sense of peace. A peace that permeates every part of you.
And this peace comes from a person. From a person who knows every single part of you. Parts of you, you wished just didn’t existed, because if they didn’t maybe the shame would decrease. Maybe the strong sense that the world just isn’t right, and you are the reason for it would just decrease. But there is someone who knows all of that. And he agrees with you, partly at least. He agrees that the world isn’t right and that you are part of it, but you among every other person in the world. You have some responsibility but not all of it. He sees your pain, your trauma, your ache for home. And he accepts you. All he wants is for you to trust in him. All he wants is for you to accept him. Accept that he as the perfect sacrifice paid for all of the things you did wrong in life.
But Jesus also knows that depression is a mental health condition. He meets you where you are. He meets you in the pain, in the heartache. And this peace sometimes floods and comes straight away. For some it takes wrestling, it takes slowly allowing him to heal certain parts of your heart. And some times it happens in a heartbeat, other times it takes years.
But regardless of how long it takes. You are not alone. You are beautiful, you are wanted, you are worth it, you are imperfect, you stumble, you fall, you have emotions, you sometimes lack any, but you are wanted. You are NEEDED. I wish I had the magic answer, to take away of the pain. I wish I had it for myself too. But you know, that everything you are going through has a purpose. Take it from someone who has been anxious and depressed, who lost her dad, who has been bullied, who has been suicidal, I have been there. And as pointless as it sounds, there is a point to it. I promise.
Now that may be unhelpful, sometimes it is the last thing we want to hear. But honestly, I am glad there is a purpose to it. The thing that hurts more than anything is thinking that everything I’ve gone through is pointless, meaningless. I’ve come to understand that this just isn’t true.
And as hard as it is, I promise, he’s with you, I’m with you, there is a point to it.