One of the lies I’ve been battling lately is that I am forgettable. That no one would notice or care if I left. These thoughts that I am invisible, have plagued most of my thought pattern for a long time.
It’s one of the reasons that when I’m having a bad night, it genuinely confuses me when others get upset with my depressive thoughts.
It’s why when I walk away from a fight I want you to follow to reconcile, but genuinely believe even if we talked for years, you’d never love me, not really. you may say you will but then, I’d find you out you don’t really.
It’s why I get scared when I go to sleep and don’t know that we’re okay (even though the other person will go to bed, knowing we will still be friends, I go to bed questioning our entire friendship, true story).
I believe that not only will you forget about me, but you’ll also realise that friendship with me isn’t worth it, isn’t worth the hassle.
But not only is the above not true anyway (although I’m still working on truly believing that), it puts my identity in the wrong place. It puts my identity in what others think, and not that I am a beloved child of God.
That he knows me completely, that he will never grow tired of me, he will never forget me. He is the only one who knows the true depth and ugliness of my heart (way more so than I do) and loves me anyway.
But only does he love us in spite of our sin, he chose to die for it. A holy righteous God, can’t ignore sin. God hates sin. It had to be paid for. He couldn’t turn blind eye to our rebellion against him, he had to deal with it.
He dealt with it so I can have an intimate relationship with him. And now I know I had fully known and fully loved, both, at the same time. I can know that he will never forget me, in 5 generations (at a push), my own family won’t know my name, but he will. Even though we are like the wind, he wants a relationship with us.