Homesick, yearning for your true home (Part 1)

When I was small I would often stay with my grandparents overnight, and at first, I would get very very homesick. I love my grandparents a lot, but as a young child, I wanted my familiar routine. I wanted to have the same things happen with the same person, night after night. And when I got a disruption in that I felt a strong yearning to go home. 

I experienced this again, in the first few weeks and months of my time at uni. I wanted again to be somewhere I knew, understood, felt comfortable in. 

But from that time at uni, I experienced something else. This yearning that I had suddenly went deeper than I had ever before realized. It became a fundamental understanding that rocked my world. 

As a Christian, we know this world isn’t our own. We know we don’t truly belong here, but although many people struggle with not making this world our home, I know all too well that it isn’t. I know this because I feel homesick. Now you may push back and say how can you be homesick from a place you’ve never been, from someone you’ve never physically met. 

My answer to this comes from the fundamental knowledge that God is our creator, and as Christians, we are told that we don’t belong here. So to illustrate what I mean I am going to use an analogy. 

Imagine that you are moving to a house but the house isn’t ready for you yet, so you’ve been given a room in a hotel to be your ‘home’ until it’s ready for. The catch is you don’t know when the house will be ready, you don’t know when you will be called home. 

There is a spectrum of what you will do in this situation (when my mum and I actually go to a hotel, she unpacks everything, while I just live out of my suitcase). Some people will not only unpack, but they will also hang pictures on the wall and change the bedding, they will act as if the hotel is the permanent home. They know they are moving but it isn’t in the forefront of their mind. They don’t think about it ever really. They make a temporary place a permanent home. 

Then there are others (and I fall into this category), who even though they know they could be in the hotel for years they don’t unpack. They live out of their suitcase to the point that they don’t even put their toothbrush into the bathroom, because what if they forget it. They are so focused on this new house, and more importantly the family they will be reunited with they find it difficult to think about anything else. 

They become so focused they want to get their now, they don’t want to wait. They know they don’t belong there so much, that they will do whatever possible to get there now. Even though they know it’s not time yet. 

This is how I feel. I know this is not my true home. Here there is suffering, there is brokenness everywhere, poverty, war, constant striving, broken relationships, and mental illness. I don’t want to be in a place that has this much brokenness. I know that my friends and family know that, my God knows that. 

And this may be difficult to hear, especially for those who love me, but it isn’t necessarily a bad thing to be homesick. No matter how homesick I become I know I have a purpose here. And that’s one benefit of feeling homesick, of having depression and having had suicide attempts that didn’t work. I know that Jesus will keep me here as long as he wants me to be here until my work here is finished. 

I have a laser focus on what I am doing here. I know that I’m to speak up in my suffering, to stand here in the middle of intense suffering to say God is still good, he still loves me and he is still my God. 

Shame due to judgement

I usually write about the things I am struggling with/ things that I learned about God. But the difference in the things that I have been going through lately, I don’t want anyone to know. I want to keep secret, why? Shame. I am more than ashamed, I am riddled with shame. I don’t just feel a bit embarrassed, I feel horrified, of all the things in the world why does that have to be my story? Why out of all the infinite ways God has at his disposal to teach, correct, love me and draw me to him, why does he have to use that? 

Why do I have to experience or go through that? And shame makes you hide, it makes you try to cover your self, it makes you want to disappear into the wall, or ground or abyss. Why would anyone want to love me, with that in my background and current struggles? Why would anyone want to be anywhere near me? Because yes I am hidden in Christ, and I don’t need to be ashamed of my sin because Jesus paid for it all, but why do I still want to hide? 

Another reason I haven’t written is that I don’t have the answers I normally do in a post. I have no conclusions, I have no tied in a nice bow. I have my messy life, my sinful nature, an incredible saviour and a laptop, and they don’t always lead to closure. But God doesn’t want to me approach issues in this way all the time, because whose life is tied up in a nice bow? Whose struggles have a clear and defining answer? Some however do, when it comes to suicide the bible is clear of how to approach this (and society says the exact same thing). Other things, however, like how to approach mental health in general, or same-sex attraction, although the bible is very clear in somethings, culture and the Christian world, in general, will disagree, is no defining answer of how to deal with these things. And through all the differing beliefs, we forget to love as Jesus loves us. We become use to judging people, being mean and harsh. We forget that regardless of your world view (and I make my beliefs very clear), we have a lot to learn with how to love others. Yes, I believe Jesus is the only way to fully be in touch with your humanity (I know most of the world disagrees). But saying this some churches out there are way more judgemental than those who are non-Christians. 

I’ve had the joy to be in churches every part of this spectrum. I’ve been part of churches that it’s okay to be not okay, it’s ok to not have it all together, it’s okay, to be honest with others. And I’ve been in churches that are very judgemental. God calls us all to put down our weapons, put down our assumptions, leave our grenades at home. And just love others. 

Saying this non-Christians can be very judgemental to Christians (not all, the vast majority of my friends aren’t). I this comes from the judgment they receive from churches, what their preconceived notion of Christianity is. I would challenge all non-Christians to do what I’ve told Christians to do. Leave your weapons at the door. Yes, we want you to enter into a relationship with Jesus because we know how incredible it is, but I want to love you anyway. I want to love you regardless of whether you are very interested or not at all. Because the goal of my friendship is to love you as Jesus loves us. Yes, I would love you to know him as your creator and saviour but the goal of my friendship isn’t conversion. And I think that is very important for me to say. 

Things like suicide happen very prevalently with individuals who don’t believe they belong in our world (I was one of them, and in my darkest moments I still am). Those who have their struggles broadcasted for the world to see, where individuals who hide behind computer screens, and terrorize those who forget they also struggle, those who forget that they actually have the same struggles. Judgemental attitudes actually ruin lives. 

But this doesn’t happen just in the cyber-space, it happens with bullies and kids in school, the workspace, friendship groups, in our hearts. We often have judgments about people that we would never tell anyone. But God sees it all. Jesus tells us in Matthew 5: 22-26, “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder (Exodus 20:13) and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister (the greek refers to a fellow disciple) will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ (an Aramaic word for contempt) is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.”

This is very clearly saying there is no room for judgment in the church.

I am saying this to myself too, as some who can be very judgemental in my mind, I need to hear this. It’s okay to admit that we struggle with these things, it’s not okay to accept it as a part of who we are. We are not our judgment. We are made in the image of God, we live in a fallen world. And we tend to have a bent to certain sin struggles, but they aren’t who we are. 

I was having this conversation the other day with a family member, if we make a part of our sin struggle, our identity, it minimises the chance we have to actually grow in that area.  

And everyone regardless of who you deserve respect and dignity. And deserves to be heard without judgment. 

Reflections of a 21 year old

I am a sentimental person, I love looking at old photos, old memories, thinking about the things I thought I knew back then, the things I was sure of, the things that I found I had a warped understanding of. And it makes me do two things. 

First, I think about what she didn’t know, what the 15 year old me in so much pain with no understanding of why, what did she not know. What did she do in order to protect herself but ended up damaging her even more. I have always been fairly transparent. People can often easily tell when I am not doing well, but this doesn’t mean I  am an open book. Actually far from it. It takes a lot for me to actually say what I am thinking. I have friends now that ask me what I am thinking, and I still find it terrifying. They are out right asking me, and I still have the voice in my head telling me to lie. To not be completely honest, that they want 75% but not a 100%. 

But back then, we were kids. We didn’t know when to push things, we didn’t know the deep questions to ask or what things cause a person’s heart to beat a certain way. Even now I don’t always know these things. But as a kid, I didn’t know who I could trust, even though they wanted to know, I didn’t know what to tell them.  I didn’t truly know what was going on my self, never mind articulating it to someone else. 

So naturally I pushed people away, I made it seem like it wasn’t that bad, I lied to everyone, apart from a few very close people (who even them I only gave 75% of me). I often wonder how my life would change if I let them in, if I actually was honest for the first time in my life. 

But as a 15 year old I couldn’t do it, so I pushed it down, and waited. I pushed down every bad emotion, every bad feeling, every hard situation, every reminder that this life isn’t what it should be. I suffered silently, never being honest, never being truly me, or truly human. If you looked at me throughout my childhood, you wouldn’t think that is true. I am very confrontational, I am just aggressive (no passive aggression for me), my childhood was far from peaceful or calm for anyone involved. On the outside it looked like I was causing the fallout, but inside the was a turmoil that I couldn’t express. 

My only outlet was music, so I learned how to play the guitar, and I wrote like crazy. And even though this helped to an extent the turmoil was building, and when it exploded I would take down everyone around me. I went to uni like everyone else, but I was like a boiling pot of water bubbling over until the water spills out the pan faster than my world was falling apart. I had no idea what God had planned when my mum and one of my best friends dropped me off in Manchester. If he told me then what would happen in the next 3 years I would have got a plane to Bolivia and become a llama farmer (yes I did research where llamas live in the writing of this post), just to avoid my life. 

Uni came and all the pressure became too much and everything exploded, I stopped eating, just tried to get through anxiety attack after anxiety attack until God swooped in just before he was too late. I know God’s timing is perfect, but I often wonder why he waited that long. Why did he wait until I was so anxious and depressed that my personal safety was becoming an issue. But in his infinite wisdom he chose then, he saved me. And I would love to tell you after that everything fell into place. But I would be lying. Because It was hard, I knew my saviour, but now I had the added pressure of trying to do what God wants. And in my own strength I tried to do what he wanted, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t have too. Living in his strength didn’t make my anxiety and depression go away, but it did give me the strength to try and be honest. But this is still hard, and I think it will be one struggle I will always have.  


I am still living in the shrapnel of that explosion, trying to pick off the pieces of my life and trying to make sure no one else was serious damaged in the process. 

But secondly, I think about all the things I don’t know, all the things I think I have figured out. I want to have compassion for my past self, but I also want to work on there not being another explosion. Not letting things build up that much. And God is faithful, but it doesn’t always feel like it. It often feels like he doesn’t care, that he hates me or worse is apathetic to me. He isn’t. It feels like he isn’t here. He is, it’s impossible for him to not be here. It’s impossible for him to not love, to not love me. He can’t do it. He has no limits, but I do. I am sinful, I forget, I hate, I am selfish. I try to put on others what only belongs to God. I try to rely on them and not him. But it doesn’t work, it just makes me hurt so much and makes them feel the pressure to be what they were not created to be. 

What will 50 year old Abbie tell me. How will she find her past, that is my present, my future. What does she know that I don’t. What will God show me throughout the rest of my life. There is only one way to find out, and that is to live it.  

Living a double life

Do you ever feel like you live two lives? Like you have the image you portray to the outside world, and actual truth and state of your heart. To be completely honest, I do this all the time. I portray this image that I am open and honest about my life, that I openly talk about my struggles and battles. That I am seemingly sometimes too open, but it’s not true. 

‘But,’ you may ask, ‘I see the posts, I see your honesty’, but you see I carefully allow people to see what I want them to see, I allow them to see some of my struggles but quite often not the heart of it. I will tell you I’m struggling with depression stuff, anxiety stuff, and while that is true, I don’t say anything that I wouldn’t mind the world knowing, I don’t say anything that would mean I actually have to trust you. And I also wrap my posts up nicely with a bow, but the truth is messier than that. The truth is that I still struggle with what I post about. The closest people I allow to get near to my actually struggles is my church family (some not in my local church but in the big church), there I will breakdown, there you will see me in distress, but even then I only outwardly show 20% of what is actually going on. 

My close friends know this, and this mask, this need to hide from everyone, is exhausting. And this is why I haven’t posted, because the things I’m struggling with I would rather no one know. I’d rather stay behind the mask of a broken open person who can still function like a human. Compared to a broken person, who is struggling massively, who struggles to function like a human. Who doesn’t want to talk, eat, do anything. 

Why? Because I am still riddled with shame, riddled with guilt, riddled with embarrassment. Because who wants to show the world, this things? I have no issues with people knowing I’m broken, I have many issues with people knowing my specific thought patterns, specific troubles. 

I would like to tell you the solution to this, I would like to tell you how much I’ve grown, but to be honest, I don’t feel like I’ve grown in this at all. Because I still try and guard my own heart, I still get scared of people knowing the true me. The me, that I don’t want people to see. 

But regardless of whether I want them to see it or not, someone does. Someone sees my fake facade, sees my mask, sees the double life I live and loves me anyway. Loves every part of me regardless of my sin and shame. And he doesn’t just love me, he died for me. He died for my broken, sinful mess of human life, and gave me a purpose. 

My purpose is to share the good news of Jesus, but it is also to show the world that Christians don’t have everything sorted, we all still struggle, we still struggle with sin. I love Jesus more than anything, but I still struggle with depression, and although some Christians stopped struggling with it when they got saved (and that is amazing and we should celebrate it), while we still live in a broken world, we will still struggle. I do. If you do, know it’s okay. No christian, (or non-christian) has their life sorted. If we did, we wouldn’t need Jesus. If we did, we wouldn’t need to be saved from not only ourselves but our world too. That doesn’t mean we retreat, it means we endure, continue trusting in Jesus, but knowing that still battling with mental health is okay, and it doesn’t mean God hates you, it means the opposite. Because through the continued trial, we are reminded our desperate continued need for him just to get through the day. 

The world of autism

In this world that we live in, everything is confusing. I walk into a room, and feel anxious because trying to understand what is socially ‘acceptable, is hard, especially because it always changing, always moving. The world is full of grey areas, large parts of life that aren’t black and white. 

But it is black and white isn’t? You’re either right or wrong; understood or misunderstood; it’s left or right. You can’t be in the middle. And when it is grey, it’s confusing. I get scared because I just don’t understand what is going on. It’s like everyone around me got a manual when they were born, of how to act, react, when it’s appropriate to tell someone what you think, when you need to move on from your topic of conversation, when you can be angry and when you can’t, what you can say in one context but not another. 

As you can imagine, it causes me so much anxiety, because I have to work all this out when I walk into a room. Which means sometimes I get it wrong. Sometimes I will say something deep and meaningful when everyone is having a joke. Sometimes I will not understand what you are saying if you are talking too abstract, but I won’t let you move on until I understand. It means that people can highly misunderstand me. If I overreact to a seemingly minor situation, it is usually because I panic, because it what I prepped in my head to expect all of a sudden it isn’t happening.

I will randomly walk off in the middle of a conversation because I have nothing more to say. I will sometimes act standoffish because I simply am too anxious to speak. I am incredibly direct because I can’t understand why you would want to be indirect and confusing. If I don’t like something, I’ll tell you. 

When people tell me one thing and then do another, I  freeze because I don’t understand what is going on. I have to work out from scratch what the new rules are. Because it doesn’t come naturally to me. 

Change from routine is incredibly hard. It’s hard to make friends (I mean I have some incredible friends now, but that is by God’s grace, and it took a long time for me to get here) because I get angry easily. Anger is the way I express my anxiety and confusion. 

Autism affects me more than I would ever like to admit. When I was diagnosed (I was 17, which is super late), I had already learned how to mask it. Hide it. To try and make my life easier. But really I was ashamed of my diagnosis. I didn’t want to be different (but one thing I have learned is that being different is a bad thing). I was scared that people would leave. I thought that my friends wouldn’t want to be friends with me anymore and while I know that that is some peoples story, it wasn’t mine. Because the behaviour that comes along with it was already there, when I got the diagnosis it was an explanation, but I didn’t overnight become autistic. I always was. 

I came to uni and started to tell people, but only started really talking about how much it impacts me in the past few months. There will be good friends of mine who may read this and didn’t know until now. That is because although it is part of me, I didn’t come to terms with it for a long time, and it doesn’t make up my whole identity. 

But I want to share this for the person who has just a got a diagnosis, and looks at all the statistics of employment, or someone tells you that everything now will change. I want to tell you that it is ok. That you will be okay. There is nothing wrong with you.

You are beautiful, your mind is incredible. You aren’t a case study, you are a human being made in the image of God, and your unique mind is amazing. Not everyone will understand you, but that’s okay. I know the world is confusing and loud, I know you’re scared, I am too. But I promise you, you’ll be okay. You’ll make it. Take the support if you need it, but know that the world will continue to turn. 

The value we work for

Everything is worth something, you go into a shop and quite often the price tags are visible, (well that is apart from expensive shops where the price tags aren’t visible). When looking at the coat it isn’t first clear why it costs so much, but when you add the quality of material, cotton, the way it was made and the worker who made it, it soon becomes evident. Although I’m sure we’ve all looked at a piece of clothing and although we added all these variables in, we couldn’t figure out how something costs so much. 

We can approach people this way, we add the type of person they are (personality, acts of good, the profession, because if you are a criminal you won’t get as much value as if you are a doctor), with the friends they keep, how they treat their family, how tolerant they are and whether they have enemies, we add this altogether and then we see what value they have. Culture has us believing that we work to get the value we have. And if you can’t work for your value, then that’s bad for you. 

However this kind of logic doesn’t hold up, what about the people who can’t add to their own value like a small baby, or those with severe depression, because they can’t get out of bed or do anything that would increase this value, do we ultimately put them as less valuable than another who can? 

Well, the answer to this question would be yes, a small baby will be able to earn their value when they grow up and severely depressed people just need to get a grip right? 

But what if I told you it wasn’t that easy, because trust me that I know. Well that still doesn’t matter right, because regardless to what my opinion, it doesn’t stop this from being true does it?

What if I told you value is something we don’t have to work for. What if I told you before the creation of the world we all were given value, just because we are humans. Just because you are made in the image of God, before we did anything good or bad. 

Well this either seems like a fairy story to help me sleep at night or it seems very unfair. Because if I’m saying we have value before we did anything good or bad, that means a murder has value. It means people who have done horrible things still holds value just because they are human. 

Don’t misunderstand me here, God is a just God and his judgement will fall on all of us and although we do receive freedom if we trust in Christ, we still need to repent and move away from sin. 

But although this is bad news for the righteous among us, the ones who have never lied, hated another in our hearts, gossiped, been prideful, hurtful to others, been jealous or turned away from God, I haven’t met anyone (including myself) who hasn’t done at least one of these things, apart from Jesus who died for all sin we commit, . 

It’s great news for the rest of us. Because if our value comes in whose we are not what we do, we can finally rest in him knowing that our worth can’t be earned and we don’t have to strive anymore. 

Again this doesn’t mean we don’t do anything with our lives, it means we live our lives for the one who gives us our value and worth, because even if we lose our value in the worlds eyes for doing this, we will never lose our value in the eyes of the one to whom everything heavenly and earthly will one day bow down. 

Who am I

‘Hi what is your story?’, is something that I’ve been asked on more than a few occasions. What was my answer?

“Hi, I’m Abbie, and I have suffered with depression for around 9 years, I have an anxiety disorder and I am autistic (I’ll get on to that in another blog post).” 

Who I am was directly linked to what I dealt with. But the problem is, is that I am not my depression. I am not my anxiety. I am a daughter of the most high king, the ruler of the universe. That is my identity. 

This is because it doesn’t ever go away. My identity in Christ will never be shaken. Because he is everlasting (Isaiah 40:28), he never changes (James 1: 17), he is completely perfect in every way (Mathew 5:48). His love is unconditional (Romans 8: 35-39), and he is completely holy (1 Samuel 2:2). 

My depression and anxiety while they may never leave, I have the hope that they will. If I put my identity in something that I don’t actually want to be part of me, my whole identity is shaken. My whole being is shaken.

Once I remembering feeling genuinely happy and instead of being a normal person and enjoy it, I panicked. I didn’t know what to do and I completely freaked out. Why did I panic? Because I didn’t know who I was without the depression, but here’s the thing:

Even though anxiety and depression is part of my story, it’s part of what I’ve been through, but it isn’t my whole story. It doesn’t explain my love for Jesus, my love for my family and my friends. It doesn’t explain when I get excited at my course, or when I cry with a friend. It doesn’t explain my love for sweet potatoes (shout out to my housemates who can vouch for this). It doesn’t explain why I love music and my guitar. 

It’s a label that can be useful in treatment but it isn’t me. My life is built on the foundation of my love for Jesus and his incredible all-consuming love for me. It is built on the fact that he has me secure in his arms, and will never let me go. 

It doesn’t mean that I don’t still have anxiety attacks at church or spend the service crying (which has literally happened, the whole service, again my church family can vouch for this). It doesn’t mean I still don’t sometimes struggle with church. It doesn’t mean I still don’t suffer with these things. But I can see it’s for a season. 

I don’t know how long the season will last for, if it will last for 6 weeks or 10 or 20 more years. Or even my lifetime. But the things about seasons, is they change eventually. No matter how long it is I know it’s going to change, and when that happens, I will still be secure in my identity as a child of the risen king. 

When depression doesn’t take a holiday

Christmas is a time of family, celebration, love. It’s a time where we come together. Where we share about our lives. But what about when you wake up on Christmas morning feeling like you don’t want to face the world, when you end up crying in a room by yourself, or when life still feels hard, overwhelming. When the anxiety that comes along with depression doesn’t let up and all you want to do is curl up in bed but you can’t. 

I don’t know how your Christmas was (mine was pretty good), maybe you pretended the whole day and now you have to deal with the fall out, maybe you cried the whole day. 

I want to tell you it’s okay. Because on any other day of the year you’d be struggling, why would Christmastime be any different. Even though we are supposed to be happy in the cultures eyes it just is not realistic. I struggle most days, and keeping up the pretence that I am okay, and pushing how I feel down and suppressing it, never works. Because at some point, it has to come out. At some point how you feel will bubble over. This may be when you snapped at a family member when it was uncalled for, or when you cried because someone didn’t react to the gift you got them in an enthusiastic way. It can be more serious too, the suicidal thoughts may get too much, or you feel desperately alone in a crowed room. 

No matter what your families culture is around feelings and emotions (mine is pretty private, which is hilarious considering I’m writing a blog my experiences), you need to look after yourself. Now more than ever, if you need a break from them see about staying with friends or Church family (I have previously done both). See friends and speak to people if you need to, have some alone time if you need too. 

Know that how you feel will pass (I am still trusting that mine will pass at some point), that although now feels like forever it isn’t. Don’t shut Jesus out, and don’t shut out your people (I say this after last semester where I shut a lot of people out, but even though it’s hard to be honest, it’s so worth it).

No matter what people’s reactions are to you looking after yourself, it’s worth it. We are called to serve God, and to glory him. This means being in a mental space so you can look after others, and seek to glorify him in everything you do. 

You glorifying him right now, may simply be perserving. I know from personal experience that, this can be one of the hardest things to do. Simply keeping going when everything in you screams to stop is really hard, but I promise you with God’s help you can do it. 

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and tell you it will be okay, that God will keep you safe until it’s time to come home. That I love you, God loves you so much more than I (or anyone else ever could). If you tell me, I defo will but if not, reach out to someone I promise you, it’s completely worth it. 

Our true home

I think most of us have or will experience the feeling of being homesick. The yearning and longing to be around your people, in a place your comfortable with, where you don’t have to explain anything because people have spent that much time around you they just get you. Where you sit down in a place you have spent so much time in, there are no growing pains, there is no wondering what it will be like to fit in because you just do.

When Iwas in Uganda I felt this. There I was in another country, experiencing incredible things, meeting incredible people, doing fulfilling work, yet I was longing, wondering, hoping for home (shout out to the people who stopped me from trying to literally walk home nearly every night).

But the place I get the most home sick for I’ve never been. I don’t know what the rooms look like, I can’t picture it in my head. I don’t even know the face of the person who owns the house, I have never experienced what I will when I’m there. But yet I’m longing for it, I think we all are. Because in this place everything is perfect, our relationship with the owner is perfect, but we arent just letting the place, we don’t have a mortage, the owner is not just our landlord, he is our father. This is place is were our family live. We’re we live. The room is being set up as we speak. Our longing will end finally. But this is about way more than a place to lay our heads.

My pastor did a sermon recently on a home being a person not a place and he’s so right. It is about a person. Although we will have a place, we will finally be with him,  this relationship with Jesus, with God will be perfect.

I think christmastime extenuates these feelings. As some travel home but feel out of place, others are far from the place they call home and others don’t have a home. Not in this world. But what if I said there is a place for you. A place where you feel wanted, loved, secure in your identity. Where you never long because everything you need is right in front of you. But one day we will have a place, one day we will have that place for eternity. Those who trust in Jesus can rest, knowing the best is yet to come and one day we will truly be home.

Emotions: for our reality or for God’s glory

Any of my friends reading this will know that I seriously hate emotions. I have a very bad relationship with them. Sometimes I have none at all (thanks to depression) and sometimes I have them very strongly, it can be hard to straddle the tension between these two polar opposites. 

I run away from pain (literally, I have hidden in coffee shops to try and outrun it, fyi it doesn’t work), when I feel genuinely happy its taken me years to actually enjoy it and not just spend the whole day confused as to why I feel happy. And when I get feelings for someone I again want to run off (sometimes literally, which my friends again will vouch for).  

But this aversion too emotions doesn’t mean they don’t happen. I can ignore them all I want, but they will find me, and they will not go away. Which leaves us two options. 

The first is that we try our best and continue on our journey avoiding them at all cost. However, 1.) as mentioned earlier this doesn’t work and 2.) it doesn’t lead us to a healthy and gospel-focused mind. 

The second is to realise that God has given us emotions for a reason, and for us to truly deal with any pain, discomfort or overwhelmingness (not a word?) we may feel by bringing them to God. By processing them in the way you best process (I am a verbal processor but I also journal and I have friends who just journal and don’t find talking helpful). And by actively finding ways to incorporate these practices into your life.

And by seeing them as a gift, seeing that they aren’t scary and nothing bad will happen if you actually deal with them, actually more good will come out of it than anything (honestly, I am writing this to myself, as it’s something I need to hear… constantly). 

But then I can go to complete other direction, instead of ignoring them, they take over completely. They become so big in my head that nothing else can get in. Something that when put in its place should help me to live my life for God’s glory, tries to steal the glory for its self. 

It does this by overwhelming and completely blindsiding me. And it becomes my reality (something I am told frequently is that how I feel doesn’t always and often doesn’t equate to reality). How I feel becomes dominant and the avenue for how I live. 

I feel like getting drunk so I will.

I don’t feel like talking to this friends so I’ll avoid them. 

I don’t feel like church so I’ll not go. 

These examples aren’t talking about specific situations where people genuinely struggle, it’s for the people will me who often let their feelings govern their lives and not Christ.

So why is it important for Christ to govern us and not our emotions? Well, for those who trust in Jesus’ death and resurrection on the cross, we accept that Jesus is God, the only son of God (we are adopted), and that he deserves all of our affections and emotions. He made us, knows us and even after our rebellion against him, chose us and loves us. 

He completely deserves our everything, including our emotions, or lack of emotions. 

So instead of letting them rule us either by reading too much into them or by ignoring them completely (because avoiding them is giving them power they shouldn’t have, no feeling or emotion will destroy us in of themselves), let’s acknowledge that Christ rules our hearts and minds. And this means we can rest in him alone and trust him with a gift he gave.